We’ve all heard the stories. A dashing young woman finally meets Mr. Right. He’s everything she’s looking for in a man – handsome, smart, funny, and kind. It’s a match made in heaven.
…except for one thing: he’s broke. What’s a girl to do?
Dating Broke Men, From The Perspective Of A Once Broke Man
I understand the complexities of dating broke men because I used to be one myself.
Hence, I will speak from experience as I cover topics such as the effects and disadvantages of dating a broke man, whether women should ever date one, and how to navigate dating a broke man if you are already in that situation.
Determining which of your dating options is best can be difficult.
Thus, I hope this article helps the ladies in the audience analyze whether they should entertain the idea of dating broke men altogether. This article is also intended to give some guidance to women wondering if they should continue forward with the broke men they are currently seeing.
This will be fun. Let’s go!
Should You Date A Broke Man?
Should you date a broke man? Here’s a story to consider.
I went broke in 2018 after accumulating $260,000 worth of debt that included $60,000 in credit cards and personal loans.
That was the low point as I wasn’t able to pay my bills. But even before that I wasn’t in the strongest financial position since I began my career in 2012 as a teacher and had an average income of only $32,000 through the first seven years of my career.
I tell this story to show how nuanced it can be when deciding whether you should date a man whose broke.
I wouldn’t have blamed a woman for rejecting me back then because I was broke. But judging me solely on my finances would have been short-sighted. In the last five years, I’ve wiped out all my debt, saved my first $100K, and nearly quadrupled my annual income.
Over 30 / Under 30: Rule For Dating Broke Men
I had potential. But how would a woman have known whether she should take the risk? Truthfully, it’s impossible for women to ever know for certain. But that doesn’t mean they have to leave it totally to chance.
When it comes to dating broke men, time can be a woman’s friend or her enemy depending on her age. At 20, she has a bit of time to play the field and give a broke guy a chance. By 35, it’s a different thing altogether
For this reason, I’ve developed a simple rule to help the ladies decide whether they should date broke men. Here’s my recommended “Over 30 / Under 30” Rule For Dating Broke Men:
Women over 30 should not date broke men. Women under 30 may consider dating broke men, as long as those men are also under 30.
I’ll use an example to explain.
“Over 30 / Under 30” Rule For Dating Broke Men Example
Vanessa is a 32 year old woman who has been single and casually dating for 3 years. Lucky for her, she’s found a new guy called Brian who she has been seeing for 2 months. She really likes him. She’s also a reader of this blog so she knew to discuss my recommended pre-commitment topics with Brian before accepting his bid to make things official.
In doing so, she learns that he’s broke.
What’s Vanessa to do? If she follows my recommendation, she should probably end things sooner rather than later. She’s already 32, and she doesn’t have time to waste on a gamble. Instead, she’s better served spending her time finding a man who’s more of a finished product.
Meanwhile, Vanessa’s 21 year old sister Sarah is fine to stick things out a bit longer with her new guys whose also broke since he’s only 25 and still finding his way. Unlike her big sister Vanessa, Sarah has the gift of time to see what this guy will make of himself before making a long term decision.
Time Could Be The Ultimate Loss When Dating Broke Men
As you’ll see in a moment, the financial downsides of dating broke men can be steep. However, they pale in comparison to the potential losses in time that women can incur from dating broke men.
It’s no secret that women have a “biological clock” that refers to the limited window of time during which they are most fertile and have the best chances of conceiving a child naturally. A woman in her 20s may have a 25-30% chance of conceiving during each menstrual cycle. But by 35, these odds drop by about 50%.
With this in mind, I imagine that time is one of the most valuable things to most (but of course not all) women. Deciding to date broke men could work out in the end, but women are clearly risking a lot with such a decision.
As a man, I can only imagine how difficult this all may be for you ladies. It’s what drives my Over 30 / Under 30 recommendation.
Dating Broke Men Could Be Costly
Let’s say that a woman met me when I was broke and decided to actually give me a chance on the basis of my potential. But rather than living up to the expectations, my financial success never materialized. What happens if this relationship ends up costing a woman a significant amount of money over the long run?
I’ve created this table to show the potential costs women could incur from dating broke men over the length of the average relationship – which is 7 years.
Additional costs of just $100 per month would cost her $8,400 out of pocket. Even more, her opportunity costs would be $12,000 considering she could have invested this money in the stock market at 10%.
Taking on even greater shares of relationship related expenses or outright supporting a man could be even costlier as $1,000 in extra expenses could cost her nearly $120,000 in just 7 years.
It may sound far fetched, but imagine a scenario where a woman decides to cohabitate with her broke man and assume the role of household provider.
Dating Broke Men Will Make It Hard To Build Wealth
My minimum suggested retirement target for couples is to have a fully paid for house with an additional $500,000 nest egg that will produce $20,000 in income. With low expenses from not having a house payment, and a Social Security benefit of $22,000 per spouse – you’d have enough to live quite well.
Achieving this minimum in itself will be quite the feat. Yet, dating a broke man may make it hard to achieve even the first step of the BB financial order of operations which includes simply saving a portion of every dollar earned and not having debt.
A day to day struggle with finances isn’t ideal. And given the current median 401(k) balance of $35,286, women may want to strongly consider whether a broke man can help them move along the path of building wealth.
Dating Broke Men Could Be Financially Stressful
Regardless of how great a guy is in other areas, him being broke should give you pause.
You at least want to consciously decide that you have the emotional capacity to navigate any potential stress that his financial situation brings your way.
I know from first hand experience how stressful it can be to be broke. I also passed my money stress along to my ex by having temperamental emotions brought on by anxiety and stress. Asking her to loan me $500 per month so I could cover my shortfalls didn’t help either.
She wasn’t prepared for all of that. The most she could do is stare at me frozen with worry as I cried like a baby because my finances were falling apart. On the positive side, none of this caused actual money fights.
But, as I’ll discuss next, these could have also been a byproduct of me being broke.
Dating Broke Men Could Lead To Money Fights
In their 2024 Love and Money study, Fidelity Investments found that 45% of couples surveyed argued about money at least occasionally. I’d love to see subsets of the data based on couples’ financial standings. My guess is we’d find that money disputes are more frequent for couples who are on the lower end of the financial spectrum due to greater financial stress.
No one goes into a relationship with money fights on their minds. Yet, quarrels about money could very well be in your future when dating broke guys.
They could arise because he never pays for anything. Or, it could be any of the things shared by the woman who dated a broke man in this story. His behavior included constantly complaining about money, not being able to do anything fun, and paranoia driven by financial insecurity.
Your Children May Have Fewer Opportunities
Life isn’t always fair. One such way this is true is that money often opens doors that not everyone can walk through.
For instance, after going to elementary school in the hood, my mom scratched and clawed up an additional $30,000 to send me to a private middle school… for a single year. My stint there was short, but I credit this as one of the best things to have ever happened to me because of intellectual the development.
I know I’m lucky because not everyone can have the same opportunity.
Similarly, a woman who starts a family with a broke man may also find that her children are limited from certain opportunities because they simply don’t have the finances. This doesn’t mean the kids won’t turn out well when it’s all said and done. But it’s still something to consider.
Dating Broke Men Could Increase Your Odds Of Divorce
Let’s do a bit of relationship math. What might a woman dating a broke man have in store when she combines the potential for increased costs, difficulty building wealth, increased financial stress, and more money fights?
We don’t need Einstein to do this math as we can easily predict that things may not work out.
Dating is as much about managing risk as it is about enjoying the journey of love. It’s okay to give a broke guy a chance. Just be careful to not allow yourself to miscalculate your long term odds of success.
Dating Broke Men Could Come With Benefits
In fairness, dating broke men could feasibly result in relationships that are quite good.
Only a small handful of guys will ever become top earning men. Yet, there are a lot of men who don’t have a lot of money that could still offer very attractive benefits that women may want to consider. Let’s discuss those next.
Broke Men Could Be More Dedicated Fathers
One of my most popular articles is about my experience earning $200k. I covered a few downsides of earning boat loads of money, but I forgot to mention the actual costs.
Everyone wants to earn a lot of money. But I’m not sure how many people understand how much time, energy, and stress it takes to pull off. While men like me are slaving for dollars, there may be broke men who have more time to dedicate to their women and families.
For instance, I personally know several men who have chosen the role of the stay at home dad. One is the musician husband of my former boss who is a technology Sr. Director earning $150,000 plus. The other is an old friend whose wife is a speech language pathologist earning around $85,000. Both stay at home to man the ship and raise the kids while their wives go out to earn the bacon.
This arrangement may not work for everyone, but it seems to be working well for them. Maybe it can be good for you too.
Dating Broke Men Could Lead To More Happiness
I’ve noticed in my travels abroad that people from much poorer places than the U.S. often seem much happier.
Perhaps they know the elusive secret that money and buying things doesn’t create true happiness. Rather, happiness comes from the absence of desire which is also known as contentment. Meanwhile, many of my fellow Americans have insatiable appetites for more that leaves them perpetually unfulfilled.
This calls to memory one of my wealthier friends who, along with his wife, recently purchased a brand new – custom built home. You’d think they’d be quite happy with a brand new home full of top tier gadgets like their 100 inch TV. But all they could talk about during my tour was the next bigger house which they had already set their sights on.
Broke Men May Create A Simpler Life
Wealthy men like my friend may struggle finding contentment. But I envision that there are some men like the musician husband of my former boss sitting cross legged somewhere in blissful peace as they strum their guitars without a care in the world.
These guys may be broke, but who sounds happier? To me it’s the latter.
Like a lot of people in poorer countries, broke men may live overall simpler lives that enable them to have an easier time enjoying the simple things in life..
Women often seek men with money for the stability they provide. But maybe there is something special about the guy who doesn’t spend his precious time slaving away at work, chasing the next promotion, and competing with other people.
More Pure Fun
I learned during my alcohol-free year that it’s perfectly possible to experience euphoria without alcohol. Let’s call it a natural high. Similarly, I think it’s also possible to experience a more natural and pure version of fun when we aren’t spending money.
A guy with a lot of money may seek fun like most people; travel, restaurants, shopping – you name it. But a broke man will have to be more clever. Maybe it’s as simple as a bike ride. Or perhaps it’s cooking something new at home. Hell, it’s probably something I can’t think of since I’m still handicapped by using money for many activities.
Obviously, there is nothing wrong with spending money to have fun. I’m just highlighting that there may be something unique to be discovered in finding a guy who’s able to have just as much fun without reaching for his wallet.
Signs You Are Dating A Broke Man
We’ve established potential downsides and possible positives of dating broke men. But how does a woman actually know if she’s seeing one?
Well, there’s no single definition for what it means for a man to be broke. Instead, it comes down to a combination of factors unique to each man’s situation that are producing his results.
I highly recommend you discuss the topics in my pre-commitment list before even starting a relationship. Sometime in the first 8-12 weeks would be ideal.
In doing so, you may discover that your new man is broke for one of the common reasons listed below:
- A Man That Is Broke Because Of His Spending Habits. If he spends more than he makes – he is broke. It’s that simple.
- A Man That Is Broke Because Of His Debts. It could be that he’s fairly decent with his money, yet he’s wrestling with past bad decisions to take on debt. This was essentially the situation I found myself in when I went broke. I didn’t have a spending problem, but my debts had snowballed against me.
- He’s Broke Because He’s Lazy. It should go without saying – but if he doesn’t work he will have no money. And with no money – he will definitely be broke.
- A Man That Is Broke Because Of Poor Money Decisions. Bad business decisions. Risky investments. Falling for scams. These are just some of the poor money decisions that can make a man broke.
- A Man That Is Broke Because He’s Loser. There are many ways to avoid being a loser. Unfortunately, violating any of them can leave a man broke.
- His Vices Are Making Him Broke. Addiction to drugs, gambling, or porn. Excessive video game spending. Paying sex workers. Odds are high we all know someone who’s struggled with at least one.
"He Just Doesn’t Earn Enough"
It is rarely true that insufficient earnings is the source of one’s financial problems. Yet, there are rare cases where a man manages his money and lifestyle well, but still earns too little for it to be enough.
It could be acceptable to date a man in such a situation if he checks all of your other boxes and has a plan for improving his earnings.
At the same time, it is probably a glaring financial red flag for a man to be content with simply treading water or slightly drowning with his finances. If so, it is better to cut your losses as early as possible and move on to more promising options.
Navigating A Relationship With A Broke Man
So, what do you do if you’re already in a relationship with a broke man – do you leave him or do you stay? I’ll give you a powerful tool to help you decide.
But before I do, I’d like to share a thoughtful discussion on the topic that took place at the Financial Diet.
It centers around a 27 year old reader named Annie who wrote asking for guidance navigating a “fundamental incompatibility” with her broke boyfriend who earns $21,000 as a music tutor.
Chelsea Fagan, the author of the post, gave wonderful advice. She basically told Annie to break up because of this fundamental incompatibility. I’ll add to that by saying that Annie is also missing a critical point when it comes to her boyfriend.
Specifically, her boyfriend isn’t broke because he’s a music instructor. He is broke because he’s lazy or lacks ambition. I get that “he loves his job, he loves music, he loves being his own boss”. But he also loves “choosing his students and projects carefully” – which tells me he’s turning down work.
This sort of analysis is important for Annie’s future as she looks for a new guy. It’s important we accurately assess our past partners’ shortcomings so we move forward with the proper filters in place.
For example, Annie may only screen new guys for income while ignoring work ethic and hustle. Then, one day she may find that her new high earning beau decides to become a stay at home dad once they have their first child or once her income doubles.
This could all be avoided by ensuring she selects a man who earns well and is also ambitious.
How To Easily Decide If You Should Stay With Your Broke Boyfriend
In reality, it’s rarely an easy decision. I myself was lost when trying to navigate my breakup after 15 years of being with my ex. As a result, I scoured books and websites for guidance and found the profound nugget of wisdom that follows:
If nothing ever changes in your relationship, or if things got slightly worse - could you accept it? If the answer is no, then it’s time to leave
I can’t remember where I picked this up – otherwise I would give full credit where it is due.
It provides a simple, yet powerful decision matrix for deciding whether to stay with a broke man. In Annie’s case from above, the decision would be clear that she should leave because she already knows her boyfriend’s situation isn’t good enough for her long term.
Actually breaking up may still be tough. But, as long as you’re honest with yourself, you’ll at least know what you should do one way or the other.
Reader Discussion: Would Love To Hear From Ladies About Dating Broke Men
As a man, it’s impossible for me to even imagine what it is like to be a woman. The ideas in the post are simply my opinions on the matter of dating broke me.
That said, I’d love to hear from some of the ladies in the audience.
Should women date broke men? And what is your definition of what makes a man broke in the first place? Also, I’d really be curious to learn about any past or current dating experiences you’ve had with men who are broke.
2 Responses
Agree about the Under 30 / Over 30 rule. As a woman in my early 30s, I don’t have time to wait and see whether a man can build himself to be a solid provider and partner. I need to see the right traits manifested NOW. It doesn’t mean that a man needs to be at their peak game but does he demonstrate that he has been and will continue to be serious about his growth (financially, emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually)? Has he been making the right financial decisions? What is his current lifestyle and how does that align with his finances and long-term plan? If I want kids and need to take a step back to be a mother and nurturer, can I count on my man to protect and provide in normal and hard times? What if we want to give ourselves and our kids better opportunities and experiences? Money isn’t everything but it’s a foundation for stability. We need to be realistic.
“We need to be realistic” – wise words! Money is so important in that is can alleviate or cause so much stress in your life. I can imagine the challenges women face when finding a man who check the boxes you’ve mentioned. I wonder if many simply have to settle after a while?