Girlfriend never pays for anything? I’ve been there myself. In fact, I just ended things with a woman for exactly that reason.
We’ll get to the details of that story soon. But first, I want to acknowledge the countless men out there who face the same dilemma – a girlfriend who wants or expects them to pay for everything.
It puts us men in a tricky spot.
On the one hand, we’ve embraced the idea of gender equality, recognizing that women are our equals in every way. But when it comes to paying, the old rules seem to linger. Many women still expect men to cover everything, even though they have their own income and independence.
It doesn’t feel fair. And yet, here we are.
Let’s first dive into the details of my own experience. By the end of this story you will see that it wasn’t just about the money. Rather, it was about what this all represented. Here’s how it all unfolded, and why her never paying became a dealbreaker.
The Girlfriend Who Never Paid For Anything
We met at the gym and hit it off right away. It was one of those rare connections where you’re genuinely excited to keep seeing someone. We had a lot in common, shared laughs, and had great chemistry. We even survived a weekend at the beach together which was a good sign.
For all intents and purposes, she should have been my girlfriend – we were perfect for each other and it was a lovely 2 months of dating. But her not paying for anything was still a major issue.
Here are more details on how things came about..
The Dollar Water
Our first date was to a fancy rooftop restaurant with an amazing view. We talked for hours. We laughed and things were merry. The food and drinks cost me around 120 dollars – which I gladly footed as I always do.
Afterwards, we walked through the city to spend a bit more time in the hot summer night. I had just downed 3 glasses of wine at the restaurant and was in serious need of some hydration. So, we hopped into a little shop so I could grab a $1 bottle of water.
It wasn’t planned, but because I didn’t have cash, I asked if she could cover the water.
An ideal reaction in such a situation would have been for her to fork over a dollar, whip out a credit card, or politely decline if she didn’t have either. But instead, she became subtly – yet obviously uncomfortable and borderline obstinate as she told me didn’t have any cash.
She Never Paid For Anything In Two Months Of Dating
That was the first date so no biggie, right? There could have been a lot at play in that moment. Perhaps I read the situation wrongly. Or, maybe she really didn’t have the money. So, onward we went.
There were many dates following; mostly to restaurants. But also a nice visit to a local park with pretty ducks. And of course, there was the 3 night trip to the beach that cost me $1,300 for 3 nights.
All in, let’s say I spent about $2,500 over the two months (which paces for $15,000/yr). But again, no big deal because I’m not the type of guy who makes a gal pay.
So, what was the issue?
Well, it turns out that in the entirety of the two months, she never paid for a single thing. Even worse than that was she didn’t even do as much as offer.
Lack Of Equal Investment
In truth, a girl not paying for anything isn’t a deal breaker in itself. The real problem was this woman didn’t contribute money or anything else necessary for a budding relationship to grow.
She seemed perfectly content with hanging out in fancy restaurants on my dime. But she was always too busy for us to spend time otherwise. Not once did we make dinner together or watch a movie at home. Nor did she initiate any other activities like going to a local market, to church, or even for a simple walk in the park.
And sure, I could have initiated all of these things myself. But I had already planned out everything else we did while in the throes of working 60+ hours per week. In short, she could have done a bit of facilitation.
Having “The Talk”
Maybe it was just a case of misaligned needs and expectations.
So, to get to the bottom of it, I decided it was time we had “the talk”. I asked her to come over for dinner on a Monday night. I’d do all the heavy lifting of grocery shopping and cooking – she just needed to show.
A discussion to sort things out was the plan. But this was also a chance for me to gauge the degree to which she was willing to make a sacrifice given she had gone to a concert the night before and stayed up late before having to go to work that day.
Her coming would have signaled to me that I was important enough for her to forgo a bit of sleep to have what I told her was a serious and important conversation.
So how did things turn out? Well, she initially agreed to come. And then she bailed at the last minute citing she was too tired.
Paying For Everything Has Its Limits
We eventually did have that talk at her birthday dinner that Friday. Of course, we did so while dining in another fancy restaurant that cost me an additional 150 dollars.
The talk went “well”, but by then I had already determined that things were too far down the wrong road for a course correction.
Again, it wasn’t just about the money. It came down to not getting my needs met.
Specifically, we were missing the quality time, non-sexual intimacy, and intellectual stimulation that I need to feel fulfilled. For example, I called her on the phone hoping to casually talk and get to know her better on at least 2 or 3 occasions to only have her never pick up or return my calls.
How Should You Handle A Girlfriend Who Never Pays?
So that’s my story about the girlfriend who never pays for anything. But you’re probably here because you’re seeking guidance on how to handle this situation in your own life.
Fortunately, I’ve had enough real world experience to offer some advice.
You’ll find that it’s not a one size fits all when it comes to women who never pay. You must consider factors such as your own finances, cultural norms, the life stage both of you are in, and of course your personal preferences.
Here are a few things for you to consider..
Understand That Non-Paying Women Are Always More Expensive
While obvious, it is important to state that all else being equal, a non-paying girlfriend will be more expensive than one who helps you pay for things.
A girlfriend with expensive tastes who likes to spend $500 per month at restaurants and $10,000 per year on travel will cost you $16,000 per year for the privilege to date her.
Similarly, a girlfriend who prefers nature parks and streaming movies at home may only cost you $200 per month – but you still have to foot the entire bill.
What this means is that you will need to have sufficient financial means necessary to date any girlfriend who doesn’t pay for anything regardless of who she is. And this can be helpful to think about as you screen for potential partners.
For example, I often swipe left on dating app profiles of women who exude the “Kardashian Effect” because I know I don’t have the financial means to support the lavish lifestyle they are clearly looking for. You can’t always judge a book by its cover, but I generally predict that a modelesque – beautiful woman shown walking out of the Four Seasons is probably not looking for a guy who’s content driving a beat up Corolla.
Cultural Norms Of Women Who Don’t Pay
In January of this year I took a 5-day beach trip to Mexico with my then girlfriend, who, like the woman mentioned at the start, also didn’t pay for anything. I eventually had “the talk” with her about her lack of financial contribution and she looked me squarely in the eyes telling me that her money was reserved for her own life and education.
Many men will find that shocking – especially those from the U.S. and Europe. But it’s not uncommon for women who are from South America like my girlfriend was to have traditional values that influence them to think the way they do.
Beyond just those in South America, there are many other countries and cultures where it’s perfectly normal for women to never pay. Here’s a handful of places to compare when it comes to whether women typically pay.
Countries Where Women Commonly Contribute or Split Costs:
- “Going Dutch” In the Netherlands: A place with such a strong emphasis on equality and fairness that it is almost standard for women to pay their own share. Hence, this is where we get the term “going dutch”.
- United States: While there is still intense growing pains over the matter, we’re increasingly seeing women be willing to pay for things and men not be willing to pay for everything like in times past.
- Sweden: Women in Sweden seem to generally accept the idea of paying as a matter of fairness, practicality, and a way to avoid quid pro quo.
- Germany: Do women pay for dates in Germany? You betcha. In fact, it can be taken as a sign of disrespect to not allow these strongly independent women to pay their own way.
- Spain: In much of Spain, especially large cities like Madrid or Barcelona – women usually help split bills for dates and outings.
Countries Where Women Don’t Usually Pay:
- Italy: With a strong tradition of generosity, Italian men are usually expected to pay for dates as a sign of chivalry and respect.
- Japan: Has a slowly evolving, traditional mentality where Japanese women aren’t expected to pay for things.
- Saudi Arabia: Saudi men take pride in their role as providers and may even get offended at a woman offering to pay.
- Lebanon: I heard this directly from my Lebanese friend Dima, who told me that women never pay for dates in her country.
- Russia: With one of the strongest stances on the matter – Russian women essentially outright refuse to pay for things as men who don’t pay are “consider him insufficiently masculine”.
Knowledge like this can be useful. As you seek out women who meet your preferences, knowing where to find those women can be key. Further, it helps to think more globally at times about these things as your country’s culture may not align well with your own values.
What Stage Of Life Is She In?
You may have noticed I mentioned that the girlfriend from the Mexico trip mentioned her money was reserved in part for school. This is because she was a student in her last year of college and hadn’t begun making significant money in her planned career.
I understood her situation, and as a result, I was patient.
Why would I not want to pay for everything when I’m dating a woman who’s hard at work trying to make her way. That’s very different from dating an established career woman who, despite doing well financially, still expects me to cover all the expenses.
In The End, Trust Your Heart About Her Not Paying
Sometimes, we can make things a lot more complicated than they need to be. This is especially true when it comes to who should pay in relationships. Here’s an exercise to simplify your thoughts on a girlfriend who doesn’t pay:
Allowing yourself to be truly honest with what you think and feel, answer the question of whether you like the fact that your girlfriend doesn’t pay?
If it doesn’t bother you then you can stop reading this article now and move on with your life.
But if it does, then next you need to honestly answer whether it is something you can accept or if it’s a dealbreaker. And if it is a deal breaker, you’re left with two options: 1) talk to her and try to change it or 2) call things off.
All of this may still be hard to do. But at minimum, listening to the heart will at least tell you what you really want.
Line Drawn: I Won’t Date Girlfriends Who Never Pay For Anything
Alas, we’ve reached time for me to give my final verdict on girlfriends who don’t pay for anything. Well, I’ve taken my own advice on the matter and am listening to my heart which is telling me that I can’t be with a woman who doesn’t pay for anything.
I’m sure there are really good one’s out there. But I can also admit to myself that I will never be comfortable in a situation where a girlfriend expects me to carry 100% of the financial burden.
For me it comes down to practicality.
I understand culture and preferences, but I can’t ignore how illogical it is for women to want men to pay for everything in spite of earning their own incomes.
Of course, there will be times, like during pregnancy or early childhood, when my future wife may need me to take on the full financial load, and I’m more than willing to do so. But I wouldn’t want to enter a relationship where that expectation defines the entire future.
It may be “my money is my money, and your money is our money” for some women. But those women just aren’t for me.